BLIND DATE STORY

written by muks

Read on people:

Bob was a ugly son of a bitch. He really was. Mom was also a bitch. Dad was a dog. Bob’s life was screwed even before he was born. Mom had thoughts of having an abortion for no apparent reason and dad was too busy screwing other women to realise his wife was pregnant. After he was born, the nurse accidentally dropped him. Legend has it that bob’s hideous face had an everlasting impact on her memory. She never recovered. It was like as though god was taking a shit while creating his features and he decided to splat shit on his face. Bob’s face during his adult years was torturous to a person’s eye. He had 1 conjoined eyebrow. He had very very very little hair. 6 strands to be precise. Unless of course, you would want to count a sordid hair that was growing on his mole in the middle of his forehead, it would make it 7. He had a scar on his left cheek the size of a human testicle. It was a round scar. A birthmark I should say. He was fucking fat and stood at 143 cm short. His eyes were as yellow as urine and his skin was rusty. His teeth were protruding 10km from his gums. He had a hell of a short tongue and smelt like Bangladesh. His nose were as blunt as a soccer ball. Bob actually tried to make a living by selling watermelon seeds and banana skin. But he then later realised he was not making any business and worked as a personal pencil sharpener for a man who was living alone and collected pencils for a living. One fine day, bob was set up for a blind date by his friend Penista, a female friend of his who was equally hideous. Bob was eagerly anticipating for this date which was on a Friday night. Bob’s sense of fashion was diabolical. He bought a checked shirt with the design of a rambutan and a pair of 3rd hand pants. Altogether he spent a total of $1.25 for clothes alone. He could not wait for his date. He thought about things to say to his date and pondered on the possible scenarios on the aftermath of the date. The day of the date arrived. He woke up early and applied for leave from his employer, who was enraged but later agreed to grant him leave for 1 day. Bob did many things for the first time in his life. He took the longest shower he ever had, for about a minute. He used toothpaste for the second time in his life instead of using his fingers alone and this time, he used toilet paper to wipe his ass, instead of using leaves. He finally shaved his beast-like face for the 2nd time in the year and . He felt he looked better. He felt he smelt better. He felt he felt better. But in all truth, he didn’t change one bit. He sat at his house from 10 am to 6 pm without doing anything. He sat and basically did nothing. Absolutely nothing from 10 to 6. He sat and saw the clock ticking away. He had thoughts in his head. Every second that ticked brought him closer to death, he thought. Every second you waste is never coming back, he thought. Bangladesh is a fucking smelly country, he thought. Occasionally a cockroach would run past him as he sat and wasted his time. He thought of what would happen if it was possible to take the semen of a cockroach and insert it into a woman. Would the baby be cockroach-man? He thought. Or how about the semen of a rat into a woman? Would the baby be ratman? He thought. He thought, and he thought, and he thought. What would happen if a cow had sex with a parrot? He thought. Would it be parrow? He thought and he thought and he thought.At 6pm, he changed into his clothes and ventured out into the streets. He went to a flower shop to get his blind date a flower. The woman at the shop was a fat bitch. She chose the flower for bob. It was a rose. Bob bought the rose. He went out of the shop. People who were walking past him stopped and stared at bob like they always do. Some were close to calling the police, wanting to complain to remove bob from the streets due to his ugliness. Some thought he was an undiscovered animal. Some felt suicidal after seeing his face. Bob didn’t care. If there was one thing good about bob, it was that he didn’t care. He stopped by at a store to look at himself at the mirror. Just then a ball hit the mirror, and the mirror shattered almost to seem to comply with the fact that even the mirror found bob difficult to bear. He reached the restaurant. He spoke to the manager about the blind date arrangement and the manager ushered him to his table. The manager went back to vomit at the sight of bobs face. Bob waited and waited for the date. He perspired even though it was freezing inside the restaurant. It was 7.15 pm. The manager came to bob and told him that his date had arrived. Bob was close to experiencing orgasm for the first time in his life. He was supposed to be feeling nervous, not horny, he thought. Then the entracnce of the restaurant opened and there walked an angel through the door. Everyone in the restaurant was awestruck by her beauty. Men had their jaws open. Women felt like dirt compared to her. She was a goddess. Bob almost pissed in his pants. Bob's hideous teeth showed. The lady wore a velvet dress and had slim slendeer legs. She smelt like how a woman should smell. Her hair was black as the night sky and her skin was as white as snow and tender as KFC chicken. She wore a pair of black shades. The manager guided her to the table bob was at. She sat down and removed her shades. Her eyes were majestic. Her bright blue eyes had bob stunned and shaking. Bob said hi. She replied, "Hi, im elizabeth. I'm 30 years old and i like sports. I live alone and love chicken. Oh yeah, and by the way, im blind".